Which blog is real?

Boy, it's hard work doing a blog. OK, I promise to try to keep up with it better.

Anyway, people have been asking me about this new blog that I supposedly write. It's called Pushing Back. It's not really a blog -- it's just a bunch of press release info arranged by date, with pictures of me meeting with people.

Who ever heard of a blog with a "send comments" button, anyway?

So go ahead and check out Pushing Back. But for the real scoop, you know where to go.

Whoa, what happened there?

That was a long time without posting, I know.

Ever since Deputy Andy left to run for Senate in Illinois, I've been lost. And they didn't even let her run! She would have been much better than that Keyhole.

I was so mixed up that I even slipped last month and said that we hadn't actually accomplished anything in Colombia. True, but I'm not supposed to say that. Embarrassing!

Not only was I swamped with Andy gone, but she was the one who knew where I hid my Blogger password. I finally found it. It was stashed in my... secret compartment.

I'm hitting the big time soon. Watch for the next issue of National Review. I'm going to be featured talking about the drug war. Should be great -- they're a good conservative magazine, so they'll treat me well. I think they realized they made a mistake last month by publishing Ethan Nadelmann's stuff.

I Am A Canadian

I've been staying at the Hotel Vancouver, working on getting Canada to do what I tell them. By talking about the dangers of the new "potent" BC bud enough, I'm hoping to get people riled up so that Canadians will believe they better do what I want, or we'll turn them into the next Columbia.

And get this. I'm the U.S. drug czar, staying in a foreign country and lobbying their laws, and the U.S. taxpayers are picking up the tab! Such a deal. Today Canada, tomorrow the world!

I like Vancouver, but there have been a bunch of pesky young people with video cameras around bugging me. Must be some kind of film class.

Sometimes it's just too easy

Reuters -- what a tool.

OK, so we were just trying another bit to get some more press coverage and we found Maggie Fox, Health and Science Correspondent for Reuters, and boy, did she deliver. I was spouting all sorts of nonsense, like:

If you told people that one in five of 12- to 17-year-olds who ever used marijuana in their lives need treatment, I don't think people would remotely understand it."

Heck, I don't remotely understand what I said either, but that doesn't matter. They printed it and helped promote our drug war line about pot's potency. She even said that "Pot is no longer the gentle weed of the 1960s and may pose a greater threat than cocaine or even heroin..." I couldn't have paid for this.

I thought Reuters was one of those "serious" news things that checks facts and stuff, so I thought I should be more careful than usual. So after spreading the usual lies, I tempered it with the caution not to overreact and said "We shouldn't be victims of reefer madness."

So what did they do? Titled the article "Stronger pot may lead to reefer madness." Hee, hee.

Atlanta sucks

So after that incredible high of the D.A.R.E. conference, I end up going to Atlanta to visit a druggie community and see bombed out houses. Not nearly as nice as a hotel with waterfalls. But I had to do my bit there to introduce another new program -- you see, every time I introduce a new program, the press has to cover it, and I get more coverage. I've lost track of how many new programs I've announced. Just wish I could do it at the hotel.

This one was about a parent drug corp, or top drug trafficking cities, or something, I forget.

But I did get another good quote in Atlanta:

"If you have a community of teenagers or young teenagers in almost any place, you have a drug problem," he said. "Probably you just don't know it.

Hah! That'll get them going. Fear and paranoia is my friend. Who knows, maybe we'll get them to outlaw teenagers next. Oh, that would be great.

DARE to be me

I spent a delightful couple of days at the big D.A.R.E. conference in Nashville, Tennessee. Wow, that was fun! They held it in this very cool hotel with waterfalls and boats and stuff.

I gotta tell you, there's nothing better than speaking to a room full of armed officers. There were elementary D.A.R.E. students in matching uniforms all marching together and singing anti-drug songs, and even Miss Teen USA was there. I could really feel the love in that room -- all these police who get paid by the drug war and who like the drug war --so I turned it on, telling them how we're going to shut down all those "medical" mariuana sickos and I told them to be strong in the face of that well-funded conspiracy of cancer patients, hippies, and intellectuals.

The entire room erupted with a standing ovation. Hundreds of armed soldiers in the war on drugs standing for me. I think I actually got hard.

There was one young guy in the front row, however, that seemed to be only politely clapping. He stood up, but it didn't look like he meant it. I wonder if he was a spy. I guess I'll have Karen check it out.

Deputy Andy is leaving!

Deputy Andy has resigned from my office! Darn. I was just about to ask her to join me at this swinging club that I heard about. Ah, but she'd probably have turned me down.

Anyway, she's decided to try to run for Senate in place of that Jack Ryan guy in Illinois. Something happened to him so he can't run -- I think he got caught by the Soviets trying to steal a submarine, or maybe it had something to do with making license plates -- I don't remember.